The kids are due back from their month-long visit with their father in about a week and a half. Time without them has flown, as usual. And dragged. As usual. I haven't yet accomplished the major things I wanted to accomplish in their absence - painting my bedroom, replacing Monk's bed, saving the world from evil slumlords - but I've made some progress on other things. For instance, I managed to find about eleventy gazillion pairs of socks in both boys' rooms. I've decided that from now on, when either one of them complains that they don't have any socks, that's a sign that they need to clean their rooms thoroughly.
Mostly what I have been doing is practicing taking my time. Practicing not watching the clock. Practicing hanging out until the wee hours with people and really listening to what they have to say without worrying that I need to be at home or at work or doing something else. It's amazing to me how much parenting really causes a certain kind of addiction to distraction. At least for me. If I'm doing anything other than spending time with my kiddos or earning money to keep us afloat, I tend to feel antsy and out of sorts. It takes time and practice to regain a sense of control over my own schedule, once the guys are not my primary focus. And just as I learn to do that again, they are back...and I need to learn to integrate the work I have done towards learning not to be anxious about time into my life with them - a life that frequently requires a certain amount of time anxiety.
I'm thankful for the time to practice. Thankful that I'm able to let go a little of the tight scheduling and constant logistical problem solving. Thankful that I can truly focus on work, friends, activism, and art for a little while. Hopeful that I will be able to remember to take time to take my time, even after the kids return.
<3
I'm finding that I'm having a really difficult time writing about politics in long form lately, and that's problematic, considering I'm immersed in political action (in long form) in much of my active life. I find it difficult to articulate the things I am experiencing in the activist part of my life without sound like I'm boasting about my own actions, rather than merely educating people about the causes I am passionate about. I'm not sure if this is something I need to just "get over" and start writing about political topics again, anyway...or if perhaps there is some logic to my hesitance that I am just not currently able to fully understand.
Not that anyone actually is reading this blog at this point. hahaha. I hardly think one update every 6 months or so is conducive to high traffic. I'm so out of the blog-o-sphere right now, anyway. I don't know what the cool blogs are, or who is internet famous...or even if anyone is internet famous anymore.
However, having no traffic offers the opportunity TO experiment with things...and if I can get in the freaking habit of writing every once in awhile - even just once a week - I think it would help. So, perhaps I can start with this week...just giving a recap of my activities over the course of the week. For no other reason than to maybe just to keep a record for my own sake. Like the olden days when I used to blog about every single tiny event in my life.
Actually, this past week was fairly uneventful and a little depressing. I spent the weekend growing increasingly concerned about the fact that the cancerous growth on my dog's throat was going to slowly suffocate her. She seemed tired and lethargic for the first time since she was diagnosed with cancer and given 3 weeks to live (which was about 3 months ago.) I skipped a few social gatherings that I had been looking forward to so I could hang out with her and love her up before it was time for her to go. I gave her a bath and fed her her favorite foods...and on Monday morning, I called my vet before I even left my room, and told them it was time.
Of course, Twyla chose that time to perk up and behave as though there wasn't a giant lump the size of her head growing out of the side of her neck. That was hard for me. She was so happy when I got the leash out to bring her to the car. At the same time, her breathing had been labored all weekend, and I was concerned about the possibility of suffocation. So, tears in my eyes, I loaded her up into the car and brought her to the vet.
I won't go into detail about what happened. Suffice to say I was there with her the whole time, and it was peaceful. I'm fortunate to have the most supportive vet on the face of the planet. As a single parent who is busy and harried and an owner of a pet, I know I haven't always been the best possible caretaker for Twyla. She's been loved, for sure, but the vet knows all of my sins. There have been times when her nails have gone untrimmed, and there have been times when she has had fleas, and there have been times when I have fallen behind on shots and tests, or have had to choose to opt out and cross my fingers. They know all this. But when it was time to say goodbye, there was no judgment from them. I got hugs. I was treated gently and non-judgmentally. I was told that I was a good pet owner. And the very next day there was a sweet sympathy card from them, signed by everyone in the office. I hope they know how wonderful that is. I've had vets give me guilt trips for making hard decisions about pets before, and it's not fun.
So, not a great start to my week. I took the day off work, which actually made me feel more guilty than the vet did, considering all of the trauma and tragedy that has been rife in the lives of my co-workers lately. I did some writing and reading and walking and thinking. I cleaned up a bit. Took a nap. Cried a little...
Tuesday I worked, then took a long walk in still-sweltering-even-though-it-was-after-7 heat with Sarah to drop my Apples to Apples game off at Mel's house. Wednesday I worked 12 hours, then spent a little bit of time at the Rockupy benefit for Occupy J4. Thursday I worked, then went down to City Hall to visit with friends who were there to speak out in favor of the 10/1 districting plan. I ended up running into a friend who was on her way to the rally in support of the Affordable Care Act (which I have completely mixed feelings about, as I would have much preferred a single player plan that doesn't all insurance companies to profit off of being the middle man to our healthcare needs) at the capitol. I decided to go with her there, because I was planning to go to the Stonewall Anniversary Rally at 7 PM, anyway.
Stonewall might have been a riot, but the rally was not. Mostly because of the weather. It's been like a gazillion and a half degress every day this week, and I was just melting, and still feeling blah about my dog, and just generally not wanting to be out and about. So I took off and went to meet up with a friend for PMS Pancakes and conversation about divorce and child-rearing and all of that fun stuff that people talk about over PMS Pancakes.
Friday, I worked, left early to take a swim...finished working from home. Spent the evening kicking around the house tidying, thinking, farting around. Avoiding phone calls, texts, and emails for the most part. Trying to reclaim a little space for myself.
Throughout the week, we've been working on Housing Justice stuff with our tenant who is living in substandard housing and being threatened with eviction. We started a fundraising campaign which we are hoping will allow her to stay in her apartment for at least another month so she can pursue legal action against her landlord. I haven't done a lot of work on it, but I've been trying to coordinate information and sending out tweets and Facebook posts about it all week, working to drum up the cash. We're halfway to our goal now, and we only have 24 hours left...so I'm starting to feel the pressure. I've also been working on the teach-in schedule for Occupy J4. So many people who have something to teach - so little time to fit it all in! I'm really proud of how it's all coming together.
And that was my week. A little of this, a little of that. I've not been incredibly upbeat, but hopefully that will change. I'm looking forward to brunch tomorrow with the Occupy J4 team, making our final plans for the big day we've been planning for. Then more cleaning up, and a relaxing weekend before next week's huge event.
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dogBRAT!